Jason with sex worker Veronica

Tender Loving Care, TLC, is about sex, sexuality, sexual health, sexual health of disabled people, sex lives of disabled people, sexual advice for disabled people, sexual services for disabled people, sex therapy for disabled people, responsible sex workers, training, handicapped, service providers, the responsible sex worker, advice, services, therapy, training, handicapped, responsible service providers
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Connecting disabled men and women to responsible sexual services

Jason with sex worker Veronica

The word thank you is not enough. I am a 72 year old blind man who has never even had a cuddle, and now I have something to look forward to.

Services that Sex Workers provide for Disabled People

1) Blind people visit massage parlours in order to “see” beautiful bodies by massaging them.

2) Many disabled men and women are sexually abused when young, by family members, care workers, health professionals and priests. As a result, they may experience mental anguish and physical pain during sex as adults. Sex workers teach them how to relax and enjoy pain-free sex.

3) Deaf-blind people sometimes need to be taught how to pleasure themselves using physical instruction, and sex workers are brought in to supply this service.

4) Stroke survivors may become isolated whilst being unable to speak, a situation which can last for many years. Sex workers are on call to provide their expertise in non-verbal communication (as discussed at the Different Strokes AGM 2007 www.differentstrokes.co.uk).

5) Spinal injured people who have high levels of paralysis, and cannot touch the parts of their body that still have sensation, are provided with massage and sexual attention to re-learn sexual pleasure and live fulfilled lives. This important branch of specialist sex work is still not recognised by spinal injury units, but operates independently.

6) People with Parkinson's Disease often become very highly sexed and, when they have no outlet, and their arms are too weak to manage to masturbate, live in perpetual frustration. The services of sex workers are essential although may be beyond their financial means. It is inhumane not to offer financial assistance in these cases.

7) Disabled couples who cannot manage to get into the right positions and achieve intercourse are helped by sex workers who act as “enablers”. This only happens in a handful of residential homes, due to objections from other residents, relatives, prudish staff and even members of the governing board who should have their residents' wellbeing as their prime concern.

8) People in residential homes get cheered up when striptease evenings are organised. It is a chance to look at beautiful bodies, appreciated both by the male and female residents who choose to attend the show.

9) People with cerebral palsy who have no control over their limbs may need help to enjoy masturbation and sexual pleasure. This has many important benefits including reducing spasticity when, after the second orgasm, people who normally have no speech can actually talk for a few minutes.

10) When a clinical judgement has been made that someone with learning disabilities does not have the mental capacity to consent to sex, that person is condemned to a life without sexual contact with other people. It has been argued by lawyer John Blandford that if somebody has the ability to express sexual feelings and desires something other than masturbation, then they would have sufficient capacity for a sex worker to be booked. As the current law stands, however, they may even be deprived something as harmless as an anal dildo, which puts them at risk because, without it, they might shove something dangerous into their backside, which could disappear up inside, and/or cause damage.

11) Severely disabled people who cannot invite sex workers into their homes need to visit wheelchair accessible brothels that provide hoists and facilities for them to enjoy sex. It is thus essential that Britain has such a brothel in each city to meet this demand.

12) Sex workers become sexual physiotherapists for people who have had hip replacements, teaching them ways to enjoy sex without pushing the new hip out of joint.

13) Sex workers teach quadriplegics how to cope with autonomic dysreflexia during sexual activities.

14) Young people who are not expected to live very long, such as people with Duchene Muscular Dystrophy often feel that they want to have sex before they die, and sex workers provide such a service. In 2007, a Channel 5 TV programme featured Nick Wallis who persuaded the nuns and nurses in his respite home to organise a sex worker for him, and this was discussed in the Guardian and other media as a “good thing”. www.guardian.co.uk/society/2007/jan/15/health.socialcare

15) Sex workers encourage clients to gain the skills and confidence to find loving partners, and do a lot of teaching. Some even specialise in people whose disabilities make it very difficult to socialise and successfully ask someone out, such as people with Aspergers and other neuro-diversity.

16) Because many people with learning disabilities cannot read and forget what they are told, sex workers provide a valuable service teaching them safer sex practices.

17) Many disabled people and people with stammers suffer self-doubt, even self-dislike. They find that a sex worker can help change this around so they begin to accept and even love themselves, which is a positive step towards social acceptance and finding a partner.

18) Sex workers provide expertise to disabled people who have no other way of finding out what sexual pleasures their bodies are capable of.

19) Some sex workers use hypnosis to help disabled people who are stuck with negative sexual values and unsure about their sexuality.

20) Sex workers provide intimate friendship for single dying people. This good work is hindered by the fact that there is no provision for privacy for the service in British hospitals.

21) Sex workers provide experiences for disabled people who are unsure about their sexual orientation and have no other opportunities for experimentation.

22) Sex workers provide disabled people with the chance to try out various sex toys to enable them to find which one is best for them to enjoy sex, without having to waste money in a sex store.

23) Sex workers teach people who use catheters and have ostomies the best way to handle them during sex.

24) Because of limited opportunities, and inappropriate or lack of sex and relationship education, disabled people sometimes remain virgins until late in life and crave the experience of sex. Many are so scared they find it impossible to start a relationship. Sex workers are professionals who will not laugh at them, are experienced at seeing virgins, make sex seem less scary, will teach them expertise, instill confidence and prepare them for finding love.

25) Sex workers provide sexual relief and pleasure for disabled people whose parents/staff don't allow them to socialise or get dressed up, people who are housebound or cannot go out because they are agorophobic. They can also be a lifeline to disabled people living in residential care where the type of relationships they enjoy are forbidden, for example same-sex relationships.

26) Sex workers sometimes provide a service to couples. Perhaps one of them has a disability which prevents them from doing all the things they enjoy. For example, if the husband cannot get an erection, they might hire in a male sex worker so that sometimes their lovemaking can include the presence of an erect penis. Volunteers may also be found through contact magazines, but some couples feel safer with a sex worker.

27) Sex workers are good at teaching disabled people who use AAC (augmentative alternative ways of communication) to gain the confidence and practice at using the right vocabulary to chat people up, flirt and enjoy sexual communication.

28) Sex workers do the invaluable job of helping disabled people over the hurdle of feeling sexy and letting themselves be sexual, when they are normally trapped in an asexual clinical environment.

29) Sex Workers help disabled people with spasticity, dealing with flexor spasms and help them find positions that suit them and even use spasms during sexual activity.

30) Sex workers provide disabled fetishists with the physical help they need to enjoy their fetishes when they cannot manage on their own.

31) Sex workers provide a sexual service for people who are suffering from fatigue due to their disability, be it ME or MS, or whatever. They are paid to make “all the moves and do all the work” which is not usually considered acceptable in relationships where money is not involved.

32) Some sex workers specialise in coaching disabled people in dating skills and finding the right partner. This usually involves a “girlfriend or boyfriend experience” repeated over several sessions.

33) Sex workers can help people who experience chronic pain, such as people with arthritis and other connective tissue diseases, and more specifically those with carpal tunnel syndrome who get shooting pains when trying to masturbate, so that they can overcome the pain and enjoy sexual fulfillment.

34) Sex workers are there for parents who want their adult sons and daughters to learn about sex in a safe environment and provide a reliable service. This is especially true with sons and daughters who have learning disabilities and only meet others their age with learning disabilities, and they worry that they will be abused or catch sexually transmitted diseases through ignorance or forgetfulness.

35) Sex workers provide choice for disabled people so they are not patronised by the state interfering with their personal freedoms. The fact that sex workers are prepared to take risks for the personal happiness of disabled people is to be commended. Pye Jakobsson who currently sells sexual services in Sweden (where the purchase of sex is illegal and consequently sex workers work in danger) says that her disabled clients are her best clients: they even sent her cheques when Pye was too ill to work, to help her pay the rent.

36) Sex workers cheer people up – producing endorphines during sex so that people feel less depressed. Tantric sex workers train to ensure that clients (and they too) do not feel empty or sad after the sex session has ended.

37) Sex workers help people find ways of coping with cognitive issues that impede their connection to their sexuality.

38) Sex workers help people with MS and Spina Bifida find alternative routes to orgasm, when the usual routes are blocked by their impairments.

39) Sex workers work with therapists to help disabled people deal with psychological and physical problems. This is sometimes call sexual surrogacy.

40) Sex workers help disabled people live out the fantasy of being beautiful and sexy and desirable, momentarily escaping the social stigma of their disability, and learning how to project a positive image to the rest of society.

41) Escorts provide status to disabled people when out socialising, so that other people see them as sexually desirable, raising their potential to find a loving partner.

42) Sex workers can provide one of the most important human basic needs: touch. Many nerve endings in our skin crave to be stroked, caressed and held. Touch deprivation is torture, like any other sensory deprivation. Moreover, the right kind of touch helps people overcome negative feelings that have come from abusive touch. Sexual touching is essential to mental health. Through the TLC website and the Sex and Disability Helpline, in early 2008, British sex workers rescued a blind man living in the Midlands who, at the age of 72, had never ever even had a cuddle.

43) In the modern-day world where so-called physical perfection is seen as the gateway to success, both in the workplace and socially, sex workers provide refuge for those who do not fit into this ideal. Their very acceptance of people with disabilities is a nirvana, their warmth and friendliness a lifeline and the only reason why their praises cannot be sung more widely is that many disabled people, living in poverty, cannot afford to hire them.

44) Many disabled people, especially men, find that staff and health professionals actively discourage them from starting relationships, manipulating the situation so that new friendships and potential relationships fail. So it is very refreshing and comforting to be in the company of a sex worker who is not working against them.

45) Many people with severe disabilities go through life with no personal privacy. From childhood, when parents open letters and parcels for them, through school and college, every detail of their life is shared with others. So it is extremely special to visit a sex worker who will keep everything that happens between them totally confidential.

46) Married people and those who are in a relationship and become disabled often find that the balance of their relationship is upset and the relationship ends. The disabled person is left feeling “on the scrap heap”, rejected and without hope. Sex workers are there to rescue such people, teach them to live to their full potential, and set them on the road to self acceptance and the road to finding a new partner.

47) Sex workers help raise the self-esteem of people who are disfigured and disabled, and provide a much needed sexual service. Indeed, members of the French Foreign Legion were permitted to visit brothels on the understanding that it's good for morale and relieves stress.

48) It would be a sad injustice if service personnel such as soldiers badly wounded and disfigured in Iraq and Afganistan were banned from the help they can receive from sex workers.

49) In different cultures, disability brings shame to the family, and many disabled people believe they must have been bad in a past life. Such people may well be embarrassed about their disabled bodies. Most sex workers are well aware of this shame, and work hard to help the disabled person shed their shame and overcome the embarrassment.

50) Finally, but very importantly, may disabled women are fed up with partners who are rough and/or unskilled, or treat them like trash. They dream of paying for sex so that they can be in “expert hands”. Many such women are put off because it is actually very difficult to find a male sex worker – the Internet featuring agencies charging men high prices to join (with no hope of a client), amateurs offering their services and a high degree of charlatanism. This is a direct result of the trade being quasi-legal and unregulated. Most women only feel safe when a personal recommendation is made but there are few “experts” to make such recommendations, and being paid to do so would be illegal.