Long way back

[Bicarbonate Of Chicken]

Some of my exp over the last few years... maybe it will serve some good for me, and possibly others, to put it out there... its a bit long sorry!

My Long way back....

I have a progressive genetic condition. The last time I had sex with somebody was six years ago...when I was 20 and in much finer fettle. Since then I have been on my own unfortunately. Lack of health, lack of confidence, and my time-consuming medical regime have all been obstacles to success in sharing my sex life with someone else. I haven't had a whole lot of time to pursue that area of my life and often feeling sick, I haven't always felt like it either. I'm getting on track now though, and found this site, forum and chatroom have been helpful steps in that process. Sometimes I just need a little help and a push to realise that things can change and could be so different, and so much better. Those obstacles don't need to feel so high now, and there are options out there for someone who can't get out very often like me.

Unfortunately, my last experience of an intimate nature those years ago, didn't leave the best of memories and I had to get over this....which for me can be a glacially slow process! Things were going really well but when it came to taking things further, past foreplay, well I didn't exactly function to the best of my abilities so to speak. Mr premature! This shouldn't have been a problem, I hadn't had it before with my other (albeit very limited) partners. Nothing we couldn't work through together I thought. My girlfriend at the time however, whom I was extremely keen on, wasn't as understanding or sympathetic to my need to take things slowly as I had hoped.. In fact I didn't hear from her again. I wanted to find out what was wrong. It left me wondering... was it just my lack of performance on the night, or some aspect of my illness that had put her off? At the time I felt a real failure. Not knowing was the worst part. A fairly common problem right, but back then I felt like it was a really big thing. Being a young guy I didn't have a vast amount of experience before that to draw on or compare it to. I wanted to discuss it with someone but didn't feel I could. She had moved on. This break up also just happened to coincide with a nasty downturn in my health - sods law eh?

I had very little opportunity to get out and about back into the dating game between lengthy hospital stays - and I felt increasingly isolated as a result. This made me dwell on the past far too much! So as a coping strategy, I suppose I found it easier to put all my sexual feelings to one side instead of thinking about them and dealing with them - probably not a very positive way to go about things. Maybe it kept me sane through those tough times though! My reasoning was that I just had to concentrate on trying to keep myself 'well' and anything else was an unnecessary distraction. Looking back now I know it wasn't 'me' that was a problem like I imagined. Wrong partner and wrong time perhaps... but the fact was that I ended up isolating myself from further hurt for a long time, and my confidence dropped away as a result. I resigned myself to the fact that I was just too weird and my daily life was just too medically intensive that anyone wouldn’t want to share it with me .

In the last couple of years, I have struggled with several long bouts of those nasty 'superbugs'... which certainly live up to the name! Hopefully now that they are behind me, I can finally have a chance to get on with my life before I have the inevitable future setbacks - oh joy haha! Instead of waiting for a day when I might suddenly feel better, I've realised that I'm never going to reach that mythical 'better day' I was hoping for in my head, and I have to get out there and find the right kind of experience for me here and now in the present. I'm feeling much more positive about myself and my options. I have so much potential just waiting to be unleashed, I know that much now. I long to even just hold someone and I allow myself to think that.

I've been exploring my body in my own time. I find masturbation has become a lot more fulfilling now that I've finally got my head in the right place.. I think it used to be more of a purely mechanical thing for a while. To get off as quickly as possible and relieve the sense of frustration?? Now I linger, I experiment, I take time. I use my mind much more when I wank not just my body, and the mind is the greatest sexual organ or so they say – a cliché ...but right! I certainly feel more open to all the fantasies and erotic desires inside and allow them to unwind and fill my mind... those worries that I had don't get a look in so much anymore. I'm by no means the finished article, but I'm learning to just let go and see myself in a much more positive light. I have a good creative mind, and I can be sexy - my unique quirks just add to that! Physical problems aren't a hindrance any more.

I've found sex toys to be highly useful too. I know... some of them can be incredibly tacky, but there’s times when I'm low in energy and under the weather.. but still feeling horny and needing to get off. Then they come into their own! Why should girls have all the fun in that respect?...hehe!!! I don't know if guys using sex toys is still a taboo, but it shouldn't be. It spices things up from time to time for me as well...and I certainly like to explore the whole gamut - ! I can also confess to the pleasures of cool, oozing thick and sticky mud as I recently discovered while showering. Applying it and squelching it all over my body with special attention to my most erogenous zones was a great feeling. So many different sensations are possible, pulsing vibrations and textures, warm and cold. Yup...my body is responding nicely to my increased confidence!

I'm lucky to have bumped into an excellent chat accomplice and pal, a real vivacious vixen! We certainly hit it off straight away.....ohh yes! She's been the key to unlocking parts of that confidence. To have someone to talk to who has shared some of the same difficulties and hassles that I have is a real help for me after keeping myself to myself for so long. She's also opened my eyes to other things that perhaps I hadn't even contemplated before, and I don't just mean exquisitely rippling nipplegasms! Problems when younger, confidence issues. All things we can relate too I'm sure but not always things that you get the chance to be fully open about. When you have someone else who understands them to chat to, it’s so much clearer. I suppose chatting helps me find a path through those tangled forests of thorny issues without getting snagged!

We also share our sexual fantasies in a marvellously free flowing way.....hehe. We talk about all those things we need and have desired for so long, like a long tender kiss for example. Do you know the erotic potential of a discussion about food ?? It can really take you places! Our fruit and veg talk is to die for......and enough to make even the hardiest of greengrocers blush! Maybe others will join in too and see the possibilities? So thanks to the lovely lady that goes by the name Leah, for all the good times.. and for being there for me in the recent difficult times too .. but she lives hundreds of miles away from me, much to my disappointment... LOL because I want her so badly!

Now that I'm ready to take the next step of sharing my body and being intimate with a woman again..... it's a question of finding the right woman and the right circumstances to have the chance to restore that last missing piece of confidence. Not always so easy when you still live with your family and in the middle of nowhere! I've found the experiences posted about first visits to escorts extremely helpful, thank you... At last, after researching, I've decided it's the right step for me. It gives me the chance to explore the wonderful world of intimacy again in a safe and non judgemental way. I had thought about it before but it never felt it to be the right time. I couldn't find much information anywhere and it all just felt a bit seedy. This site has made me much more optimistic and positive, and so too have some of the ladies who have excellent reassuring information on their own sites. I'm exploring more conventional avenues also, although that could be an alltogether longer wait..!

Phew! Well, that’s my own journey in finding a way back – so what’s yours?

[Leah]

Well, you're right on two counts Bicarb - your post was long (almost as long as your jouney back haha), and it certainly was not as amusing as mine, but quite rightly so!!!!.... Very serious and sensitive stuff that you've raised, and I'm sure some guys will relate to your story at least in some ways - so well done for putting it out there... the important thing now is that you find a woman (professional or otherwise) with the right levels of emotional intelligence for you, and because you're so much more confident, you're more likely to be able to find her successfully !!!!......

By the way, you never mentioned to me about your muddy delights haha... mud on your erogenous zones eh???... even your perineum??.. very interesting haha !!!!....... tinker