Sex Workers seeing Disabled Clients
Contents:
- General Tips
- Meeting the needs of disabled people
- Your relationship with disabled clients
- Specific things you might need to be aware of
- Attractiveness
- Communication — sign language, Deafblind finger-language (also called Deafblind Manual Alphabet) and Augmentative Alternative Communication (AAC)
- Dangers
- Money and ways to negotiate
General Tips
Like all other clients, people with disabilities use professional sex workers for a wide variety of reasons, so don’t make assumptions. Generally, what they need most from you, as well as warmth, pleasure and sexual gratification, is reassurance of their sexual worth, and help in finding ways so that, in future, they will be able to have sex with partners in non-commercial relationships.
A session with a disabled client can be much more interesting, much more fun and satisfying than work with other people. This is a rewarding career for someone who does the job well.
Both men and women with disabilities benefit from being with sex workers. One disabled woman’s voice: If only I could pay a groovy, competent man to understand my physical needs, with their limitations, and maximise the pleasure that I’m sure I’m capable of experiencing. Of course, good communication with almost any partner should bring her pleasure, especially if she is an assertive woman with a sense of humour, but sometimes people want to choose to pay in order to get professional help. Sadly, we have found that most women are too shy and bashful to order a sex worker unless they are personally introduced. One exception is that women seem to be willing to pay for tantric sex teaching, as a way to becoming more aware of the feelings in their bodies, and gaining physical confidence.
Meeting the needs of disabled people
- Physical closeness and intimacy — the most upsetting thing of all is not sexual frustration, but lack of skin-to-skin contact. Disabled people tend to get avoided physically, at all costs. Even doctors tend to poke them, instead of touch. One man whose spine was twisted by polio said nobody had ever touched his hump! Expect very emotional outbursts, and embrace it. Touch deprivation is human torture.
- People with short arms, or no use of their hands, can’t reach or can’t manage to masturbate, and may just need a hand job. If this is all they want, it should be made clear. You provide the pair of hands and play with them per their instructions, without invading the privacy of their minds.
- Lovemaking, if only so they can say to themselves they aren’t virgins any more, and feel they have done "it" at least once in their lives, so they don’t die a virgin. Confirmation of their masculinity or femininity, making them feel like a real man or real woman, can bring the confidence to start a relationship.
- Confidence-building and gaining sexual experience. Most disabled people lack adolescent experimentation, so they never get the chance to learn what they like, learn how to seduce, learn how to take rejection and acceptance, so that they can start dating. They need extra confidence because they are more likely to face rejection, and they need to be cool about asking favours and discussing ways of finding comfortable positions and perhaps getting off. This may require more than one session and you may worry about them becoming dependent, so make a deal. Say, “I’ll teach you once a week for ten weeks and then you’re on your own”. You have to be dead honest with each other (writing things down helps) and cope with “falling in love” situations, which might happen, and are OK, because you have a contract in which the time limit means that it’s just a temporary learning situation.
- Helping them deal with problems as they arise in their lives and become self-sufficient – for example, equipping them with the language and contacts to try new gadgets that might make masturbation possible, helping them master the art of explaining how they have sex with a catheter inside them, overcoming fears and worries.
- Confidentiality. This can be enormously important, highly valued and a rare occurrence for some disabled people. Seeing a sex worker may may involve all kinds of sneaking and posing, and you need to respect the client’s secrets. Confidences are often broken in residential homes. One resident had his relationship broken up with his fiancee when a member of staff took it upon to tell her that years back he had visited a prostitute!
- Re-learning sex after accidents, operations and the onset of disabling conditions. Some find it much more difficult than others to move from being genitally focused to apreciating the erotic potential of the entire body and mind. Some find it difficult to stop being orgasm-focussed and appreciate all erotic pleasure as significant. Many people find communication about ostomies, catheters etc very embarrassing, which can ruin their sex lives. Sex workers have much to offer on these levels.
- Enabling disabled couples - this can be physically positioning them and helping them move, providing erotic education if both partners are deaf-blind and have had little education or experience, or supervising BDSM scenes so that they feel safe.
Your relationship with disabled clients
Professional sex with a disabled man or woman may be quite different to that with other clients. You may very well relate to each other closely. After all, you are both discriminated against by society, which can bring you into feelings of friendship. However, although this can feel good at the time, it makes it even more imperative to clarify where the actual boundaries lie.
A few disabled people, assuming they have made a friend, are tempted to pester the sex worker afterwards and make attempts to get romantically involved. As a result, the worker then refuses to see him again. Remind disabled clients that they are paying for your time. This is not to say that it would be impossible for a love affair to develop — just very unlikely, because you are working.
Remember that your client is also paying for confidentiality. There may be clients who have to sneak away to visit you, or sneak you into their rooms, because paying for sex would be frowned on or forbidden by their parents or care staff. Kindly go along with their wishes. Discuss your appearance – they may be relieved to learn that you don’t have to turn up looking like a hooker, but you could easily look like an insurance sales lady, a nurse or even an aunty! The discreet hospital visit can be successfully accomplished when the nursing staff and other patients think you are a lover come to visit, and you need your privacy.
Although it can feel a bit unnerving to encounter a disabled person for the first time, you soon get into the swing of it, when you realise that they are just like anybody else, although, having a low self-image, they may appear more humble. Most are refreshingly realistic and down to earth, often better at specifying their needs than other people, and they usually have a wicked sense of humour (they need one to survive).
Obviously, just because someone is disabled, this doesn’t mean they want straight sex. They may be gay or into BDSM. Being in hospital a lot when young can bring out a taste for enemas and fetish for rubber nurses!
Specific things you might need to be aware of
Firstly, many blind and visually impaired people have never seen or felt anyone else’s body and need to be encouraged to explore yours to know what a woman or man’s body is like. Some blind people find being touched very threatening, so tread cautiously. As well as exploring your body, they may need to be told about themselves: how to look sexy, smile flirtatiously, the art of wearing seductive clothes, and chatting with the person they fancy in a way which will make them feel at ease. They may need a good deal of education because some have led very sheltered lives. Taped books and radio programmes for blind people usually exclude the erotic side of life. The RNIB website does not include whoring under its “daily living” section. Many blind people are unaware of things like massage parlours, dom parlours, etc. Deaf-blind people are even more cut off and protected. Their carers and relatives may well hope that they will be sexless as well as blind and deaf! These clients will be delighted if you convince them they are sexy. and you will enter a private world of fantasies that has had a very different influence from outside (with neither speech, sound or visual imagery!).
Deaf people can act slightly paranoid, having become afraid that people talk about them when they can’t hear. Some have the habit of averting their eyes when you say things they don’t want to lip read or sign-read. Some who are delightfully voyeuristic and gregarious, and enjoy their own secret naughty language with other deaf people. Communicating with your mutual sign language in sex can be fun.
People with learning disabilities may be highly sexed, those with Downs Syndrome especially sexual and very affectionate. They may have picked up misinformation from rubbish TV programmes, etc, which they cling to, as their formal sex education is very poor or non-existent. They might also need help with handling money. They may need special clarification on the sex worker / client dynamics. They may also need much more help understanding how to give and receive pleasure, how to avoid offence, and how to feel good about themselves. Many may never have had sex with an able bodied person, and may hold ABs in high esteem, feel nervous and intimidate by you if you are. Please read our Protection of Vulnerable Adults Policy. Some staff and health professional spend endless time listening to parents and to clients and never reach a solution as to whether sex workers should or should not be hired. Others just make, or allow arrangements secretly without telling the anyone.
People with brain injury may be sexually dis-inhibited (wanting sex all the time and not being very good at controlling their urges), others may feel sexually numb. Brain injured people are being empowered to ask for what they want out of life and many are expressing the desire to see sex workers. They have all kinds of impairments and each is different.
People with mental health problems may want to see sex workers to gain some mental comfort and pleasure in their otherwise frightening, dreary or restricted lives.
People with Aspergers Syndrome and other forms of neuro diversity will welcome the chance to have sex with someone without have to worry about all the social hoops they have to go through, but can seldom manage, in order to have sex with non-workers.
People who have problems with their bladders and bowels can feel relaxed that sex workers are accepting, and won’t need to be impressed, so they can enjoy embarrassment-free frollics and fun.
People with ME and chronic fatigue can enjoy being pampered and have everything done for them without having to lift a finger.
People who cannot speak and use Augmentative Alternative Communication devices (AAC) like alphabet boards and speaking devices will find it a wonderful new freedom to be able to communicate sexually in bed without having to worry about words. However, before this can happen you need to know what their sexual needs are, and hopefully they will provide you with clear instructions. See Communication below.
Some people with cerebral palsy and other disabilities experience tremor and spasms, which can make intercourse difficult and painful. Spasms can be reduced by orgasm, when they can speak more easily and can use their muscles better, so it may be better to give an orgasm quickly and then get down to business. Alternatively, they can take a muscle relaxant beforehand. Watch out when they come, because the involuntary movements can become quite dramatic: you might get poked in the eye, or worse!
Men with polio sometimes find it difficult to ejaculate, which can feel very frustrating for them. Teaching variations in technique can be useful, and using a strong vibrator on the penis can help.
Some people with MS may also find it difficult to reach orgasm in the conventional way but you can help them experience orgasms from various erogenous zones and techniques, such as prostate massage and nipple play.
People with spinal injury vary enormously in what they can feel and do. Experimentation leads to all kinds of pleasant discoveries. Often, lovely orgasmic sensations can be experienced by rubbing and caressing the area just above the level of paralysis. For example, if they are paralysed from the chest down, they may orgasm when you stroke their shoulders. This is called sensory amplification and may take time to achieve. Spinal injured women can sometimes feel inside the vagina, perhaps around the cervix or lower on the g-spot, via the Vagus nerve. A skilled lover may be able to amplify these sensations so orgasm is reached.
Genital response depends on where the spine is damaged and the extent of the damage. Here are some examples:
a) Numb Genitals
This may include being able to get an erection, or the clitoris not responding physically even if they can feel it. With some men, if you rub his cock, it goes up, for twenty minutes or so, although he can’t feel any sensation in it. He’ll still get enjoyment out of seeing it in someone’s mouth or pussy. The erection will eventually subside without ejaculation. Paralysed women may be unaware of how to enjoy sex. It’s your job to explore and experiment and find areas of sensitivity, so search around. Some disabled people have had all the exploring, know exactly what works for them and all you need to do is obey instructions.
b) Bizarre Connections
Sometimes stroking his big toe, or somewhere, initiates sexual arousal so try lots of things.
c) Retrograde Ejaculation in men
Erection occurs and orgasm too, but the ejaculate goes into the bladder so doesn’t shoot out through the end of his penis. This is nothing to worry about although he may feel he’s a disappointment to his partner. Some partners do say they feel deprived. This is something to discuss, and give him practice at discussing.
d) Retarded Ejaculation in men
Erection occurs but orgasm and ejaculation are very difficult. A strong mains vibrator can be tried on the shaft, tip, or else stimulation to the prostate gland, either through the perineum or up along the front of the rectum. Of course, your sexiness helps!
e) Erectile Dysfunction in men
You are probably accustomed to limpness due to nerves and fear. Some men find the condom is the final straw and manage much better if you use a Femindom. When erection is impossible without assistance of injection, suction device or Viagra, discuss all the options with him. New methods are being developed all the time – see Resources on the Outsiders website www.outsiders.org.uk. Confirmation that sex without erections can be fun will equip the gentleman for a fulfilling life ahead. Encourage him to read The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability.
f) Premature Ejaculation
This is only to be expected with many disabled men because of built up frustration. Don’t use it as an excuse to get him out quickly, but confinue to pleasure him and use the time to teach him control, but giving a sharp squeeze behind the glans just before he is on the point of no return. Helping him recognise that point is a good start. Guys who put women on pedestals never learn from this method. They need to seek therapy, and their psychological journey may be long and painful, but worth it in the end.
g) Dry Vagina in women
A dry vagina can result from neurological damage, lack of stimulation, infrequent intercourse and menopause or pre-menopause. Regular stimulation and oestrogen cream can help, and many women use a water-based lubricant for intercourse.
h) Autonomic Disreflexia
Quadriplegic / tetraplegic spinal injured people need to be careful that sex does not induce this life-threatening reaction, so discuss it in advance and be sure to have a safe-word/sign if and when they feel it coming on.
Attractiveness
If you find the client is not making themselves as attractive as they might, deal with it. Discuss how they could improve their appearance. Involuntary drooling causes bad breath which is rarely discussed by carers because they think "that’s the least of their worries" but it may be their main worry — the one thing that’s putting potential partners off. Teaching them how to wash and groom themselves before the session can also add valuable experience to increase their chances in the love stakes.
Communication — sign language, Deafblind finger-language (also called Deafblind Manual Alphabet) and Augmentative Alternative Communication (AAC)
Sign language is usually used in conjunction with lip reading by people with hearing impairments. You can learn sign language – look at http://www.british-sign.co.uk/ and http://www.learnbsl.org
Always speak facing a deaf person straight on, and speak clearly. Many deaf people can speak but they sometimes sound a bit foreign. Those who cannot speak use signing to reply.
Blind-deaf people sometimes have a little hearing or sight, and most can speak. Most can read websites, texts and emails. You can communicate with them in person, using finger language on their hand, also called Deafblind Manual Alphabet, and those who cannot speak will reply using the same language. The best way to learn is by looking at this little film, which promises you can pick it up in half an hour.
Keep a copy of the language by your side when chatting to a deaf-blind person, in case you get stuck. You can download a chart from www.deafblind.com/card.html
Vowels are expressed by touching the fingertips, starting with “a” as the thumb and “u” as the pinky. The other letters have an obvious connection to their shape.
People may have speech-impairement as a result of:-
- cerebral palsy
- stroke
- stammer
- brain injury
- facial paralysis
- tongue cancer
- meningitis
- muscular dystrophy
- motor neurone disease
- Parkinsons
That is why so many people fail to explain how to communicate with them, because they don’t have the confidence to push this on a stranger. So one of your jobs may be to help them gain that confidence. Few people are doing this work, and it’s challenging.
Some people with speech impairments use AAC – Augmentative Alternative Communication devices, which means using a letter board that you point at letters to spell out what they are trying to say, or a machine which they type the words into.
It’s a good idea if the AAC user has written instructions on how to communicate with them, or have instructions programmed into their machine. Some AAC users get their PAs to book a sex worker and arrive with them, to ensure that you can cope with the communication system and understand what sexial services are required.
If you are going to have to discuss things verbally with a speech impaired client, be sure you book extra time in for this, as it may be lengthy. If you are short on time and cannot communicate sufficiently with the person, be honest and make an appointment for when you do have the time.
Guidelines for communicating with people who use AAC
A Canadian initiative called Speak Up has put an excellent series of communication displays related to sexual health and pleasure on their website, which we recommend. See http://www.accpc.ca/Speak_Up/resources
You don’t need special skills to communicate with a person who uses an augmentative and alternative communication system.
Remember, a person who cannot speak does not necessarily have a hearing or cognitive problem.
- Make eye contact.
- Speak directly to the AAC user, not to the person who may be accompanying them.
- Use everyday language.
- Do not speak loudly, slowly or in a condescending manner.
- Ask the person to show you how he/she communicates Yes.
- Ask the person to show you how he/she communicates No.
- Ask the person to show you how he/she communicates with the AAC system.
- Give the person time to communicate. Using an AAC system takes more time than speaking.
- Do not feel you have to keep talking. It takes time to construct a message via AAC. Try to feel comfortable with the silences.
If the person is using a display:
- Say each word selected out loud so that the AAC user knows you have the correct word.
- Do not interrupt when the AAC user is in the middle of conveying a message, unless you have guessed what they are saying.
- If you are not sure when the AAC user is finished ask him/ her "Are you finished?"
- Say the words in the order that the AAC user gave them.
- Suggest what s/he might mean using all the words.
- Write down the words the person is communicating as it often helps in remembering long messages.
- If necessary, ask the person if you can read about how they communicate and look for directions either on the front of the communication display or tray.
If necessary, ask the person if you can see another person communicating with them.
If necessary, ask the person if he/she would like a familiar person to assist them in communicating with you.
It could easily be that the words required to ask for specific sexual services are not available on the speaking machine.
When the AAC user does not have the words he/she needs.
If the AAC user seems stuck, ask the question "Do you have the word you want?" The AAC user may know if he/she does not have the word in which case he/she will signal "No". If s/he does not know, ask, "Do you think it might be somewhere in your book?" If s/he signals "Yes", turn to each page and give the AAC user time to review it. Most pages in a display are grouped in categories. When the AAC user has found the page, you might suggest that you read each word aloud on the page and s/he can signal "Yes" if it is the word or close to what he wants to communicate about.
If an AAC user cannot find a word s/he needs, ask him/her to give you a clue or something like the word s/he wants. Tell the AAC user that this will help you guess what s/he wants to communicate.
When guessing, start with general categories (e.g., is it about a body part? Is it about an activity?), then get more specific (e.g., is it a fetish?) and then start guessing within a smaller grouping (e.g., watersports, flogging).
When you figure out what the AAC user wanted to communicate, continue with the conversation.
When an AAC user’s message is not a sentence.
Some people who use AAC do not communicate in full sentences. They rely on you to "co-construct" messages. The AAC user gives the key words and the you suggest what s/he might mean using these words. For example: the AAC user communicates, "cuddle" and the communication partner says "Are you telling me you only want a cuddle?" If the AAC user signals "No" the communication partner might suggest another meaning such as "You want to start with a cuddle?"
Dangers
Some disabled people who have commercial sex, never progress to having relationships because they can’t face rejections and the hassles of relationships. Once they get used to having commercial sex, it can lessen the capacity to share feelings or aim at mutual pleasure. You may need to discuss this and, if they are worried about the situation, help them to avoid becoming dependent.
Those who cling and want long phone calls need to be told this is not your service, and if they persist, you will block their number from your phone.
There is no disability which makes it dangerous for a disabled person to have sex. Obviously if they cannot move, you need to be sure you don’t suffocate them by sitting on their face, for example, and keep in communication at all times. If they use breathing equipment, the tubes must not be blocked.
There is just one condition which people who are paralysed in both arms and legs (tetraplegic / guadriplegic) can get, called autonomic dysreflexia. They can feel this coming on, and know how to cope with it. It can be brought on by sexual excitement and makes them feel ill. Discuss this possibility in advance, so you will know what to do.
Never assume that it’s bad to “let a disabled person feel too much pleasure because then they will be disappointed if they can’t have it again tomorrow”. Treat disabled clients as you would any other adult.
Money
Now, the sticky subject of money. Most disabled people don’t have much, but they usually have allowances, for travel etc., which some hardly use, so they have enough stashed away. Others can save up. They can always ask for money for Christmas from their parents. Don’t charge them extra because you think it’s extra work. Work out a fair price.
It becomes more expensive if your normal place of work isn’t accessible to the disabled person and you have to visit them. Most brothels, working flats and bedrooms are upstairs which makes them impossible for people in electric wheelchairs, and difficult for others with mobility problems, unless they are lifted. If it’s impossible for the client to get into your working area, it’s fair to reduce the price of a home visit.
If the disabled person can’t afford you, why not suggest they invite some friends round to share you, and share the cost of your trip? Some might not like this idea, wanting it all to be private, others may leap at the idea.
There are many disabled people who live at home with their parents or live in institutions and homes for disabled people, so they wouldn’t even be able to have a home visit. Let them know that you can visit discretely, looking like a professional salesperson. There are wheelchair accessible hotels, some of which have hoists in a couple of rooms for helping people onto the bed. If you cannot manage to cope with this on your own, most disabled people have friends or care assistants who would gladly come and help out, getting them undressed and ready for you. This need not be embarrassing: it can be fun.
Do not insult your disabled client by refusing to take money. It’s a deal like any other. If you give sex freely, it will upset the balance and make it seem like charity – something that disabled people are trying to get away from. If there is a real problem, ask TLC for support because bursary money is sometimes forthcoming.
There is one exception — relief for the person who cannot masturbate themselves. Everyone has the right to self gratification and if someone can’t touch themselves or reach orgasm, then it’s only fair that another lends them a hand. This person need not be you, but perhaps you could talk to people who live near the client, who could help on a regular basis. One of your skills as a professional is that you are uninhibited. Your easy-going language and practice at sex talk can ease the way for others to use their humanity in sexual directions.
Try to collect you own a stock of sex toys suitable for people who cannot masturbate, and help disabled clients try them out to find the most suitable, before investing in their own toy. Be sure to clean sex toys in bleach before using on different people.
Hopefully, some of your colleagues will have the same idea. An ideal is that a group of sex workers join together to form a “cooperative” so that the disabled clients have a choice of partner, and you can all meet up on a regular basis, to offer each other support and learn from each others’ experiences. You could even produce a leaflet outlining your collected services. You are welcome to use any of this article in its wording.
Remember — disabled people can (and do) make amusing, appreciative, worthwhile clients, and can learn to become skillful, loving partners. The biggest problem that prevents them, is starting out.
You can be their stepping stone.
We advise all sex workers to join SAAFE: Support and Advice For Escorts, where independent sex workers support each other. www.saafe.info