Dealing with sexual frustration
Sexual frustration can make you depressed and feel as if you are not really living. This leaflet is to help you feel better. Everyone is different, so some readers may not share these feelings, and suggestions may not apply to you. You may sigh “easier said than done”. Don’t despair. Select the one thing which might be easiest for you to do and try that. Take your own time and only attempt things when you are ready. Keep a diary to chart your progress, recording all your dodgy days and wonderful wanks.
You may initially reject some of these ideas as “soppy”, “hippy shit” or “too threatening” but, if your problem is causing you pain, surely now is the time to open your mind to all possibilities, begin adventures and follow a journey to find sexual happiness, perhaps with another wonderful person!
What is Sexual Frustration?
Sexual frustration can be experienced in many forms. A disabled person without the use of their arms and limited movement may be unable to masturbate. A man may have many sexual encounters in prison yet still pines for his wife. A woman who has sex every day with her husband and nearly reaches orgasm each time will most probably feel frustrated. A man who comes too quickly with his wife feels terrible frustration. A married person who doesn’t get the type of sex they crave for, goes crazy with frustration.
This article is aimed at people who are sexually isolated. However, it’s sometimes helpful to realise that having a partner does not always lead to sexual fulfilment. Many married couples never have sex. Here are some of the feelings which people describe when they complain of sexual frustration.
Feelings of Sexual Frustration of the Single Person
• A deep longing for sexual intercourse
• A deep longing just to touch someone you fancy
• Your genitals are about to burst
• You need passionate abandonment
• You need penetration / to be penetrated
• You need to express love and be loved
• You want sex NOW!
• You crave your fetish
• Your feel self pity
• Deprivation, depression and sadness
• Jitteryness, inability to concentrate
• Low self esteem
• Masturbation reminds you of your isolation
• Denying your true yearnings
• Despising the people you desire
Some Ways to Cope
Your deep longing for sexual intercourse
This is innate, rather like the deep desire to have a baby. Instead of dwelling on the feeling, try to accept it and try to put it on one side until the opportunity arises. Then, make sure that when the opportunity arises, you do not blow it. Keep yourself looking gorgeous and all of your body smelling sweet.
Adjust your life so that you are most likely to meet a sexual partner. Places where most people meet partners are at work, in the gym and at parties and clubs. If you cannot meet people very easily, join clubs such as Outsiders and special interest groups.
You can use any technique which works for you, to change the way you look at things, so that you become more likely to find a partner to enjoy sex with.
Perhaps you need to change the way you value people. You may need to stop aiming for a glamour model or pop star and look beneath the surface of the people you meet, in order to find someone compatible to love.
Many people imagine they are having intercourse while they masturbate, which is fine. Fantasies are to be enjoyed. They are a way of reaching the depths of your desire, all on your own. However, it can usually feel more satisfying to concentrate on the wonderful feelings in your body rather than fixating on a dream. The beautiful feelings of the build-up and the orgasm are your own reality, rather than the end result of a fantasy.
Some people pretend to be having intercourse by “fucking” the mattress, a bean bag or using a home-made or commercial sex toy. This is fine but may make you feel lonely afterwards, when the other body you crave for is not there. By all means have fun, but be respectful to yourself and don’t set yourself up for dashed hopes and dreams when you’re not feeling strong enough to cope.
And please understand that most sex toys are over-priced garbage, manufactured by capitalists who know nothing about the finer details of sex. Sex shops exploit sexually frustrated people and that’s why they find it so easy to make so much money. Don’t be a sucker. The best implements for sexual pleasure are saliva, fingers and friendly objects and vegetables from around the home.
If you are unable to masturbate, this is dealt with in later sections.
Don’t spend every minute of the day seeking a partner. Partners come along when you are looking in the opposite direction getting on with life.
A Deep Longing Just to Touch Someone you Fancy
Touch is basic human requirement and deprivation brings skin hunger. One sexually isolated person said that it was not sex on the television that upset her, but seeing people hand-in hand and touching each other. Many disabled people complain that they never get touched, just prodded.
Just being in the presence of people you find sexy can be rejuvenating, your wellbeing enriched by the physical and spiritual contact.
If you feel deprived of touch, try to engage in activities which bring you into close contact with others. Hopefully this will include someone you really enjoy feeling close to.
Some dance classes will bring you into close proximity – especially the Tango, which involves clutching your partner closely to your bosom. Massage classes will bring your fingers to the bodies other students. There are all kinds of other classes which involve touch, some aimed at increasing trust in other people and others exploring human interaction. Search around till you find something local that is suitable.
If your disability makes all such ideas impossible, don’t give up. You still need to get touched in a tender way. Hire a masseur or masseuse, and request that your fingers are allowed to touch their body too,
The British are not very good at touching one another except in a sexual situation. Most of us who crave touch are probably already putting a physical barrier around us, so we don’t get touchy-feely with other people around us. Unlike other Europeans, we don’t go “kiss-kiss” on both cheeks when we say hello to friends, or sit and stroke a colleague as we listen to their tales of woe. Most would probably feel quite threatened by these suggestions but if you go with the fear, go for it, you might find it extremely helpful.
Feeling comfortable and having the confidence to touch someone without intruding on their space is an important skill to learn when you are hoping to date people and start a relationship. The secret is to know how to hold them supportively rather than putting a trembling hand on them, or present them with a clammy palm. It takes confidence to hold their chin, wait for that smile and kiss them on the mouth, but people welcome courageous step-by-step seduction, so long as you never take them for granted, never do things they don’t like, and don’t overstep the mark.
One young man lost his fear of touching a woman when he found himself in the position of having to lead a blind girl over some rough terrain. This experience would never have presented itself if he had just sat at home dreaming.
Many people satisfy their need for touch by keeping a dog or a cat as a pet, enjoying the very special relationship and physical closeness.
Here are Jahnet De Light's Top Tips for Touching
I...NEVER GOOSE A STRANGER
2...IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH OR BE TOUCHED, YOU MUST BE CLEAN AND FRESH. IT'S NO GOOD COMPLAINING THAT PEOPLE AVOID YOU IF YOU HAVE BAD BREATH, BODY ODOUR, MUSTY SMELLING CLOTHES,OR GREASY HAIR. SO REALLY LOOK AT, AND AFTER YOURSELF.
3...TO GET A SENSE OF TOUCH, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LIGHTLY RUN YOUR FINGER TIPS OVER DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR BODY. BE SO LIGHT THAT YOU ARE MERELY TOUCHING YOUR HAIRS. HOW DOES IT FEEL? ARE SOME PLACES MORE PLEASURABLE THAN OTHERS? THEN TRY DEEPER LONGER MOVEMENTS. IF YOU ENJOY THEM YOUR PARTNER WILL.
4...TO EXPLORE TOUCH WITH A PARTNER, TRY USING A BLINDFOLD, TAKE TURNS GIVING AND RECEIVING THIS EXPERIENCE. IMAGINE THEY ARE COVERED A MILLION TINY LIGHT BULBS AND AS YOU BRUSH THIER SKIN, YOU ARE TURNING THEM ON. MAKE SURE YOU TOUCH EVERYWHERE, HANDS FEET HAIR FACE. WHEN YOU TOUCH THEIR SEXUAL PARTS, BRUSH THEM LIGHTLY AND MOVE ON. USE THE REST OF YOUR BODY DON'T JUST USE YOUR HANDS. DON'T BE AFRAID TO GUIDE YOUR PARTNER. YOUR TOUCH CAN GET DEEPER AND MORE SEXUAL WHEN YOU REALLY GET INTO YOUR SENSE OF TOUCH. 5...NOT ALL TOUCH IS SEXUAL.
IF THATS YOUR HIDDEN AGENDA THE OTHER PERSON WILL FEEL THIS AND MIGHT RETRACT.
6...FEAR IS SOMETHING THAT THAT STOPS US REACHING OUT. THERE IS A PERSONAL SPACE THAT EXTENDS ABOUT A FOOT AROUND THE BODY. WE TOUCH THIS WHEN WE STAND CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. WHEN WE ARE RELAXED THIS CAN SEEM INCREDIBLY INTIMATE. EYES, VOICE, EMOTION ARE THINGS THAT CAN ALSO TOUCH US. YET IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD IE IN A CROWED TRAIN WE ACTUALLY TURN OF OUR SENSORS WHEN WE ARE CLOSE, AND WE DON'T WANT TO FEEL.
7...DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR INTIMACY, FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR A LOVED ONE. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY OR LONELY OR AFRAID . IT MY SEEM HARD AT FIRST BUT AFTER A WHILE IT GETS EASIER. IT'S THE SAME FOR EVERYONE, SO GIVE SOME ONE A HUG JUST FOR FUN.
8...GIVE YOUR PARTNER, OR ANYONE YOU ARE TOUCHING YOUR FULL ATTENTION. MINDLESS TOUCH IS POINTLESS AND OFTEN ANNOYING.
9.MAKE LOVE WITHOUT THINKING OF THE END RESULT. PLEASURE FOR PLEASURE SAKE. DON'T ALWAYS GO FOR COMING JUST ENJOY THE EXCHANGE.
10..IF YOU HAVEN'T A PARTNER (AND HAVING ONE DOESN'T ALWAYS HELP), TREAT YOURSELF TO A MASSAGE OR EVEN A HAIR DO - EVEN AS A MAN, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOUR HAIR WASHED. JOIN A DANCE CLUB. EVEN WITH LIMITED RESOUCSES YOU CAN SAVE UP FOR A TREAT.
ALL IS GLORY IN A UNIVERSE OF LOVE JAHNET DAUGHTER OF THE LIGHT,,,,^O^,,,,,
Your genitals are about to burst
You are feeling very horny, and this can be a great feeling, so long as you have a happy outlet for your horniness. It is important that you satisfy your sexual desires somehow, and the most accessible way will most likely be via good masturbation.
One of the problems with masturbation is that it is almost always furtive and not the sort of thing you chat about to your mother or neighbour. Most people feel guilty about doing it. It’s a shame that there aren’t masturbation clubs where people can swap notes and chat about techniques. This can be done in chat-rooms on the Internet. Ensure you set up an anonymous, free, web-based account such as Yahoo or Hotmail so that any potential stalkers can be easily ditched. Never give out personal details or numbers.
Pornography can be sexually stimulating but pornography is nothing like real sex. Most pornography is soul-less and only makes you want more. We know this to be true because some men confess to going out to buy a girlie magazine, jerking off over it, throwing it away and then setting off the next day to purchase the very same mag! Masturbating over a film or magazine is not fulfilling in the sense that it satisfies the genitals but not the body, mind, or soul. It’s fun for people who get plenty of sex and want a wank on the side, but for people who don’t get any sex at all, it is a pale imitation of what they pine for.
So, rather than dreaming or peeking at celluloid pussies or grunting sounds, spend time pampering yourself. Surround yourself with sensual and comforting things and feelings. Enjoy the five senses of touch, smell, taste, sound and vision (visual and hearing impaired may have to rely on only four), slowly relishing each treat you have supplied for yourself, feeling good and getting aroused. The longer the build-up, the better the orgasm. Hover near orgasm for a while to enter a sublime world of unbelievable ecstasy. Deep, long-lasting whole-body orgasms feel life-enhancing and never empty. They make your heart pound loud and it’s like cocoa is coursing through your veins. Utterly fulfilling, they bring a lasting warm sense of contentment.
Some people are unable to masturbate in the conventional way. Hopefully what follows will open up some doors to orgasm.
i) Our bodies have many erogenous zones. They come in a range of sizes, from the ear lobe to the brain. Most people are fixated on their genitals and think of masturbation as the arousal of the penis or clitoris from which orgasms explode. This is incorrect. People with spinal injury usually become very sensitive just above the level of paralysis and, using sensory amplification, manage to feel orgasm by having this area stroked. Some men with MS who cannot reach orgasm or ejaculate from the stimulation of the penis find they can come from stimulation of the prostate gland which is situated just inside the anus. A man who was paralysed from the neck down had erotic feelings in his testicles and was able to reach orgasm from a gentle vibration of them. Try to explore every potential.
ii) If you need someone to help you reach an orgasm because you cannot move or stimulate yourself, then it is important to find a friend or a sex angel who will be sweet enough. Nobody else can find such a person for you, so you need to explain your needs to all the understanding people you meet and hope that someone will volunteer. Make it absolutely clear that you are just borrowing a hand, and not expecting emotional involvement. Getting a reputation for being totally trustworthy will help you in your journey. Many people who might consider it will be afraid of losing their jobs or otherwise damaging their reputations and so utter discretion is required. Make sure they are over 16.
iii) Many women cannot reach orgasm. They find that however much stimulation they give themselves, and however much they feel stimulated, orgasm is never reached. Or their body does not respond at all.
Orgasm is the triumph of stimulation over inhibition, and occurs more easily with practice. If you cannot come, you need to get over the hurdle of being too inhibited or providing more stimulation.
It could be you need to use a vibrator. There are small ones and more powerful ones, and obviously the more powerful ones provide more stimulation. However, this can make you numb instead of coming. You need to establish a technique which gets you off. Sometimes using fingers on a wet vulva (not right on the head of the clitoris but all around it) will do the trick.
Your inhibitions may be preventing you from coming. This might be fear that someone might come into your room to disturb you (your parents or care assistants?). It may be that you were abused as a child and have clammed up sexually. It could be that you were brought up to believe it is “dirty” to be fingering or stimulating yourself “down below”. Reading lots of sex positive books and chatting with friends can help to free us up. Betty Dodson’s books and videos are a great help to pre-orgasmic women (see Resources).
iv) Some men experience retarded ejaculation because of problems with their muscles or nerves. People who have had polio complain of this. It is rather similar to the situation with women in (iii) when it takes more than the usual stimulation to produce results. There is medication on hand, so it’s worth visiting your GP for a prescription. Otherwise enjoy having long sex sessions without coming, and enjoy the long slow build up of your super-stimulation.
There is good information of masturbation for disabled people in the Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, page 111 (see resources).
You need passionate abandonment
You may be able to get this from masturbation or you may need to try some other high energy activity like raving, sport or acting.
You need penetration / to be penetrated
Sex aids can do the trick, and they are slowly improving in quality. If you call a mail order company they will discuss your needs and send you a dildo or artificial vagina through the post in a plain package.You can improvise and make your own dildo but be sure it is not breakable or sharp. Putting objects up your bum is not advisable because they can disappear inside - best use a properly designed anal dildo.
You need to express love and be loved
Before you find “true love”, it can help the feelings of isolation if you try to express the value of your friendships, by telling friends and family how much they mean to you, and cherish the relationships. Even if it is just someone you have chatted to in the waiting room, tell them how much you enjoyed the chat. That way, you will feel better connected with the human race.
You could also ask a sex worker to express and accept love during your session.
You want sex NOW!
People who find it easy to score, easy to pull, easy to find a sex partner just go out and find one, whether it’s at the disco, in a bar, on the bus or in the park.
For the rest of us, it’s not that easy. Still, you’ve got the urge and you need to get out there. Here are some tips
i) Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you’re more likely to score with a sad or vulnerable person. The truth is that you’re more likely to have sex with someone who puts it about. So, no hanging around the divorce courts, graveyards or battered wives homes!
ii) Get down to the disco. Walk (or wheel) tall, wear a hat and wear a smile. Remember that you may get a shag, but probably not a relationship. Never forget that you may need to ask a hundred times to get that single “yes”.
iii) Using the Internet may feel like instant sex is around the corner but many people are lying or playing around, and there are more disappointments in store than on the dance floor.
iv) Cruising is great for gays. They go to the cruising area and have impersonal sex with other men in the bushes. This activity can get quite addictive because it’s so exciting and it can feel unfulfilling. It’s also somewhat dangerous.
v) If you can afford it, a sex worker may well be the best solution. See “How a Sex Worker and relieve your Frustration” at the end.
You crave your fetish
Fetishists often find that their needs creep up on them and need satisfying on a regular basis. This is an excellent way of using a sex worker, especially one who specialises in your fetish and you should be able to find such a person on the Internet. Another route is to visit a fetish club in the hope of having your needs met. The fetish world is very well catered for in the Internet with excellent websites – including Bondage.com, Informed Consent.com.
We’ve all been there. “Everyone else is at it and I’m left on my own” “Nobody will ever want me now I’m 34”, “If only I could lose weight and look like (famous skinny rock star) I could start having great sex”. Well, the truth is that everyone else isn’t at it, and those that are include 80 year olds and people with plenty of padding.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why not find a way to put your finger on WHY you are being rejected or WHY you are not able to make the move to engage in an erotic relationship. Don’t blame it on your disability because you can’t do anything about that. Find things you CAN change.
Look at yourself, ask friends or see a therapist. Go on a Relationship Weekend. Work on yourself to crack the problem.
Deprivation, depression and sadness
You are right to feel deprived and sad but please try not to get depressed. Plan your life so you don’t notice couples hand-in-hand in the park, don’t spend Easter and Christmas on your own in front of the telly, and don’t go to dinner parties where they are all couples.
Don’t sit alone at home feeling sorry for yourself because there is such much to be done. Hurry up and do it before you get hitched and no longer have the time.
Treat yourself to a good haircut, a massage and the odd drink with a solo dance to your old favourite tracks turned up high on the stereo.
If you are already depressed, try to get some counselling. If you trust your GP not to fob you off with anti-depressants, he/she may know a good local counsellor, otherwise phone for some numbers of counsellors or ask a friend to help you find one.
Jitteryness, inability to concentrate
You need to take up projects to help you focus.
i) Martial Arts / Sport Everyone is different but most people find Tai Chi and Kung Fu the best form of exercise to set you straight, If you are not physically capable, try yoga, meditation or healing
ii) DIY and Art Creating something you can be proud of is fulfilling and provides you with a good excuse for people you meet to admire your work
iii) Campaigning and Helping the Community fight for whatever you believe in and help people who need it. Don’t get sucked into church or religion because this will shovel loads of sexual guilt on you which is the last thing you need right now
Low Self Esteem
There are self-help and therapy groups available to help people gain self-esteem. Try one out.
There are also other ways. Amateur dramatics force you to take on a different persona and brings confidence. Outsiders offers support to isolated people with physical and social disabilities – see www.outsiders.org.uk.
The best way of all is to excel at what you are most good at, and allow the people around you to admire and compliment you as a result.
Masturbation reminds you of your Isolation
You can use chat rooms to masturbate with someone out there in cyberspace. You can also use phone sex lines, which are answered by professional sex workers to help you reach your orgasm by talking sexy.
You may also feel better if you gain a more positive attitude to self pleasuring by doing something positive about your home environment and your attitude to your body. For example, you could build an erotic shrine in your bedroom with all the objects and pictures you like best laid out on a beautiful cloth (or the garment you first wanked in or on, or whatever). Adorn your objects with church candles (long lasting and calming) and flowers (fresh, dried or made of fabric) to make them look special. A beautifully bound copy of Portnoy’s Complaint or whatever makes you feel “normal” can be a centre-piece. When you feel like masturbating, light the candles, chant to Aphrodite, the God of Onan, Marilyn Monroe or whoever tickles your fancy. Make yourself feel warm, surreal and loved by humanity. Caress your body and admire all the various textures beneath your fingertips Think of all those other people out there who are masturbating at the same time, all around the world, and feel connected. Some people believe that the orgasm gives us magical powers and if you make a wish while you are coming, it is more likely to come true. Amuse yourself by thinking of your boss to stop you coming, or imagining your cock growing to twice its size, or try to suck yourself off, or use something ridiculous to stimulate yourself with. Write a “dirty”-diary. Don’t feel alone!
If, at any time, you find yourself feeling lonesome, come back to this website and share our ideas and notions once more.
Denying your deepest yearnings
Many people in this repressed, sexually uptight society are unable to come to terms with their true sexual desires. This is especially true of women, and of men who are homosexual or have unusual fetishes.
Some women get over their predicament through consensual S/M, where they are bound up and ‘subjected’ to the sexual pleasure they can not even speak of. If single, they fantasize about being raped or forced into sex and orgasm. But there are other women who are so afraid of their desires that they cannot have sex or masturbate. This denial makes them repressed and sexual frustration is expressed as uncontrollable bursts of anger, or other nastiness.
Many men feel it would be impossible to admit to their homosexuality or unusual fetishes, and similarly refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong, burying their desires, becoming repressed, and sexual frustration makes them do bad things.
The best way out of this predicament is to go abroad to a place where you are not known and where it might be easy to explore, with sex workers or liberated people, in an attempt to overcome your inhibitions.
Despising the people you desire
This is extremely negative but sadly, quite common. Zillions of women become man haters after they have been jilted or been abused by their partners and zillions of men feel hostile to women when they are unable to find the sex and love they so desperately need. Zillions of homosexual men are in denial, homophobic and some actually attack gays, especially after having illicit sex with them.
All this makes for a pretty unsatisfactory society. If you feel hatred, it is important to have a change of heart.
It is stupid to hate or fear half the human race – especially when it’s the half that you desire sexually.
What you need to do is understand them better, understand what makes them tick, what it feels like to be them. Reading literary books, watching quality films and forming deep friendships will get you a long way. Dressing up and acting as them will help even more (in amateur dramatics, at the fancy dress party or tranny club).
Set yourself a goal to feel loving towards them, and rid yourself of negative feelings.
Changing your attitude
Sexually frustrated people usually find it very difficult to start sexual relationships because they are so desperate. You need to change your attitude to the people you fancy. Here are some tips
i) They are people not prey
ii) If you chase they will flee; walk away they will follow
iii) Never stay too long or talk too much. Listen and be busy
iv) Feeling nervous will make you appear strange. Admitting to being nervous will make them realise you are human. Showing vulnerability is endearing.
Do something to remind you how precious life is on a regular basis so that other people will get the message that being with you can be very special. Studying (and marvelling at) the stars, nature, different cultures, etc or something else that really appeals to you as a individual, are good examples.
Becoming a self-sufficient, secure individual will make you very attractive, especially if you are able to laugh at yourself and at life and take a real interest in people you meet.
How a Sex Worker can Relieve your frustration
Visiting a sex worker can help you overcome your frustration in more ways than one, especially if you enter into the spirit of all that’s on offer.
Don't worry that you will just come away wanting more, so you will feel even more frustrated. You will also feel psychologically uplifted, physically more alert, more calm and in control, happier, and far less depressed and agitated. Here are some tips
i) Get your money’s worth by having the time of your life. Sex in relationships rarely gives you the opportunity to write a wish-list and subsequently have everything listed, on a plate
ii) Ask the sex worker to give you tips It may be that you have bad breath, dandruff, a disagreeable manner or unattractive body language. Pay her extra to be honest
iii) Ask for sex lessons Having excellent technique will give you added confidence to initiate a sexual relationship. Get some lessons in asking, negotiating and trusting, as well as kissing, sucking, fingering, massaging, and fucking
iv) Show your gratitude – practice at being a lovely human being by being really appreciative and make the sex worker glow with pride after you have left. A tip always helps!
Lowering your libido
There is always the option of taking some medication to redude your sex drive. This can be requested from your GP or Sexual Health Clinic. You can always stop the medication when you feel like it. You may find that the medication stops you behaving like a dog on heat so people will be more attracted to you. On the other hand, it might stop you making the effort to go out and meet people.
If your disability and poverty prevent you from enjoying any of the above, please forward a message to our “help us” section of this site, seeking a sponsor to help you out.
Please feel free to print this out and give it to anyone who you fear may be suffering from sexual frustration – love, Tuppy